 Anal Mania
By David Flint on 03 Apr 2007
Britain isn't exactly a liberal stronghold when it comes to sex, and it seems that every time a new Criminal Justice Bill goes through the Commons, rather than easing the raft of moralising laws which control our bedroom antics, it simply adds more restrictions. Yet sometimes, progress is made. Take this very feature. Ten years ago, I couldn't have written this piece - or, more accurately, if I had, none of you would ever get to see it. Because anal sex between men and women was illegal. Not just illegal, but VERY illegal. As in, you could go to jail on a life sentence if convicted of this odious act and unfortunate enough to meet one of our less enlightened Judges. Think I'm exaggerating? Then suck on this thought for a while: during one of Brit Smut king John Lindsay's trials in the Seventies, the Judge informed the jury that the backdoor antics featured in one 8mm movie were as serious an offence as murder! Lucky for Lindsay that the jury - possibly mindful that one or two of them had also committed said offence - acquitted him.
In fact, anal sex has, in the past, often been used by clued up women in divorce cases as a way of crushing opposition to hefty settlements. Faced with the prospect of his adventures in buggery coming up in court - and knowing that in these cases, it's the fucker, not the fuckee who gets the shitty end of the stick (so to speak) - many a husband bit the bullet and waved goodbye to the house, car and most of his income.
So it was pretty odd that the last Tory government legalised heterosexual anal intercourse in the otherwise repressive Criminal Justice Act of 1994. Not that this made many headlines; rather, it was slipped in through the backdoor (ouch!), tagged neatly onto the change in the gay age of consent from twenty one to eighteen. This change was part of levelling the playing field, as the legalisation of gay sex in 1967 had made anal sex between men legal, while still outlawing it's hetero equivalent.
Not that many people knew all this, of course. Couples had been cheerfully buggering away long before the act came into force, and simply carried on afterwards. Few even knew that they had been committing a major crime.
Most people in the British porn business were only too aware of the law, though. Magazines couldn't mention the joys or torture of shoving your chopper up your girlie's poop chute, lest they be accused of encouraging illegal acts. Any reader's letters on the subject would be severely edited or rejected entirely, held privately for the editor's own personal monkey spanking file. Any serious discussion of the potential problems anal sex might cause were also difficult, as the bottom line always had to be 'it's illegal anyway, so don't do it'; at least the danger of AIDS gave medical advisers a chance to talk more openly on the subject, using gay sex as a cover. In all cases, the hidden subtext was ' if it could happen to them, it could happen to you'. Paranoia about anal sex was such that top shelf mags actually used to airbrush out anuses - a bizarre throwback to the days of the pussy-free models of the Sixties, and something that I'm personally glad to see the back of. After all, you wondered about the physical well-being of all those women who were born without anuses - just how did they get rid of their bodily wastes?
So here we are in the Brave New World, all legal, all free, all anal. And just in time Because the 1990's saw an explosion of anal themed porn vids flooding out of San Fernando Valley, as the smutmeisters cottoned on to a major public desire to see backdoor action, and it shows no sign of abating. These days, a porno film without at least one chocolate starfish being thrust into is pretty much unimaginable.
 Perhaps inevitably, it is those carefree Germans who have taken the anal movie to new depths of depravity. No-one who has seen Dino Baumberger's early production ANAL LADIES WORLD RECORD will forget the experience. For these 'ladies', cocks are simply too tiny to bother with, and instead they resort to a variety of hefty dildo's, vegetables, limbs and general household items to gain their unholy thrills. These are scary, loose-sphinctered women who you suspect could accommodate an entire human body if they tried. Compulsive and repulsive, this freak show is anything but sexy.
The one thing that most of these films have in common - no matter how stylish or depraved they might be - is their sanitised view of anal sex. Sure, it might be painful at first, but once the girl gets into it, she loves it - no way is she going to beg the stud to stop because it's just too painful to enjoy, even if he's hung like Big Willy. And no way will a guy withdraw his cock from a starlet's anus and find that it's covered in brown streaks, or - worse still - has dragged a turd out with it! Real life is less certain. Anal sex is uniquely problematic: alone amongst your choice of orifices, the arsehole is not meant as a receptacle for ANYTHING. Depending on your partner's experience and the width of your todger, it can be a remarkably painful experience for her, no matter how much you grease her up first. Ever wonder why so many women fantasise about fucking men with strap-ons? It's revenge, boys!
 Even if she can accommodate your feeble little worm, it's a good idea for her to rinse out first - ideally via an enema, though of course the practicalities of this are open to question - enemas are definitely NOT the kind of thing to try without knowing exactly what you're doing! That said, many people find shit to be an added lubricant (I can't believe I'm writing this...). But if your partner has an arse that's as clean and wholesome as Little Jimmy Osmond, you still need to wear a condom, even if you're both confirmed HIV-free, unless you intend your anal escapade to be the grand finale to the night. Those in the know suggest that all kinds of bugs can travel with you if you move from the back bottom to the front bottom, and surely only the most unsavoury woman will take your dick in her mouth when it's fresh from the arse (and if she did, would you kiss her afterwards?). A condom can be tugged off, leaving you lemon-fresh and ready to continue.
All that said, many people have anal sex that is poo-free, and have switched orifices on may occasions without suffering infection as a result. And a bit of pain is inevitable at first, ladies- you have to bear with it and hopefully break though that barrier. Then again, that's easy for me to say. I've never been... hey, wait a minute... put that strap-on down... oh bugger...
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