 They Don't Need Us Men Anymore
By James Chapman on 16 Feb 2006
So the girlfriend caught me watching porn earlier
this week. Again. And she wasn't happy. It wasn't
just that it was oh-so-romantic Valentines day
coming up, it was more a general scathing blanket
judgement on pornography and my relationship
with it. I tried to reason
with her, but all the evidence seemed to be against
me.
'I watch porn just for the humour,
ok? What? Me? Get off on it? Noooooo, no, no.
I just watch it because it's, uh, funny.
And often impressive. I don't get aroused
by it. As if.'
'But you've got over 50 films in
your 'My Account' list on this Strictly Broadband
site.';
'Yeah? What of it? You seriously think I get
turned on by watching 3 hot blondes fondle, lick
and suck each other? That watching multiple gangbangs
where a cute Thai girl is taken in all holes
arouses me? That bukkake shots make me tingle
in my special place?'
Needless to say, I didn't win my case. And with
the most romantic day of the year fast approaching,
I decided to make it up to her with a charming
gift. Somehow, I ended up in a sex shop. I have
no idea what happened. I may have thought it
was a...er...jewellers.
Anyway, this particular sex shop was
aimed more at the ovary possessing end of the
market. As such, there were a lot less pictures
of a cheerleader giving a dead-eyed, over lip-glossed
smile as three distinctly threatening penis' spaffed
over her distressingly youthful make-up.
And a lot more books with titles like 'The
smouldering milkman';, 'The complete
sexual woman';, 'How to tell a naked
man'; (obvious, surely...) and '302
sex games for bad girls';. There were also
various outfits for both genders highlighting
(a) women look amazing dressed up. (b) men look
fucking stupid dressed up.
And there were dildos.
Oh yes.
There were a lot of dildos.
A lot lot.
A loooooooooooot of vibrators.
A massive wave of fake phalluses all standing
to attention like a troop of coked up squaddies.
Only the vibrators looked slightly less like
penises. The dildos came in a whole array of
different sizes, colours, speeds, firmness. It
was almost hypnotic.
'Hello, sir.';
'Ahhh!';
'Sir?'; A perky looking Asian shop assistant
had materialised by my side.
'What? Hello? What?';
'I see you were looking at our selection
of Rampant Rabbits.';
Was there a way out of this? I couldn't
exactly deny it. Perhaps if I pretended to be
blind. No, that never worked. 'Um. Yes?';
'Well we have new ones on the market now...'
Oh dear God, she's sales pitching me. Why does
this always happen to me?
'This Platinum for example is much quieter than
the original and also has a much stronger pulse.';
She was looking at me. What did she expect me to
say? 'Um. Good?';
'It has multiple removable clitoral stimulators.
See? It's very popular.';
'Um. Yes?';
Now this one is our 3 way. It's got clitoral
and anal stimulator sections. On the anal stimulator
the ears flap back.'; Oh Christ. I don't
want a pretty Asian girl talking to me about anal stimulation
during my Valentines shopping. Stop her! Do
it!
'I think that might be a bit presumptuous of
me.'; I said, hoping for a reprieve.
'Maybe,'; she laughed. Good! Now run! Run! 'Now
this one' Fuck!
'Um. Yes?';
'This one is our new thrusting blue model. It
really hits the vaginal wall for maximum pleasure.';
Love, I've known you all of 4 minutes. Please
stop talking about vaginal walls.
'It also has the rotating beads and obviously
the clitoral stimulator.';
Oh obviously.
'Here feel that.'; She said pushing the
thrusting blue cock at me. 'Feel the power?';
'Um. Yes?';
And I did! A rotating, thrusting, multispeed mass
of fleshy pleasure tool. I felt very intimidated.
I wouldn't WANT girls to have these things.
They get me in bed and expect the same! Any girl
would be most disappointed; 'Where are the
love beads? The vibro speed? The multi-headed clit
stim?'; Christ. I'd have to make my dick
bionic to keep up.
The girl took the Rabbit from me. What next,
I thought. A spurting one for 'Extra realistic
messiness?'; But in this one the jizz tastes
like chocolate! Or jam! Multi-tasteal cum sprayer!
Or you can fill it with cleaning fluid to wash
down your snatch when you're done! Perhaps
one that pops out a lit cigarette for that post
coital fag? One that fetches things from high
shelves? Where will it end?
Fortunately she'd finished pointing out
the inadequacies in my own equipment (What? Doesn't
it even glow in the dark?) and moved on to Rabbit
gift bags. I quietly and desperately waited for
an opening, occasionally inserting 'ums';, 'yes''; and 'goods'; where
appropriate. I may have managed a 'Gosh';.
Finally I saw my chance to escape when her colleague
came to ask her something. Probably about the
thrust to spin ratio on the new 'Rampaging
4000'; (comes with pre-written break-up
letter for your boyfriend!). I thanked her from
her help.
I grabbed and bought the first non dildonic
thing to hand, which appeared to be a nicely
packaged leather lingerie set. And
then I fled. Again.
My Valentines gift turned out to be a
rather scary looking spanking implement. Whoops.
Ohhh yes, I'll be watching porn
again tonight.
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