We're proud and honoured to welcome Fifi La Douche to Strictly News. Fifi is one of the biggest names in American porn, and has now moved her operations to England. She assures us that her relocation is unrelated to her recent arrest in LA for street-walking, but that she has outgrown the United States, and seeks "new and challenging projects" in Europe. Fifi will be writing regular letters back to her porn buddies and fans in America, and we feel privileged that we can publish them here, exclusively at Strictly News.

My Darlings,

As you know, it's now a month since I left LA and sooo much has happened. I really felt that America wasn't big enough any more to contain a talent such as mine, so I spread my wings to seek my fortune in Europe. England is my new home, and rather than take the obvious route and settle in London, I've secured myself a luxury penthouse in the stylish seaside resort of Great Yarmouth, known locally as the North Sea Riviera. Of course, the locals are dazzled to be graced with the presence of a superstar like myself, and many of them are so overwhelmed that they actually pretend they don't know who I am! These Brits!

As you'd expect, my arrival caused an immediate stir! The first reaction of the customs people at Heathrow airport was to arrest me and take me into a small room for a cavity search. They obviously recognized me (although pretended not to) and wanted to experience first-hand what real star quality feels like. When the customs bitch snapped on the latex gloves and applied the lube, I smiled to myself. She expected me to flinch, but people, you all know how many double anals I've done! I smiled serenely and conducted myself as a lady throughout the process. It'll take more than a Brit customs whore to upset Fifi!

So anyway, I've already made a major impact on the Brit industry in my short time here. They've never experience true greatness before, and you wouldn't BELIEVE the bitchy comments already being sent my way. But I rise above it, as a true star will, and ignore them. I've set up my new production outfit, Douche XXX, and the local talent are literally CLIMBING OVER each other to work with me. The existing Brit production outfits are just sooo amateurish, and I can see the arrival of a true professional has shaken them deeply.

A word about the Brits. OH MY GOD how did these people ever build an empire? These people are dumb, ugly, inbred and stuck up. Their weather is shit, their food sucks, and their banking system can't have been updated since Shakespeare's time! I can't use dollars anywhere so have had to change all my money into their local joke currency. A Big Mac costs, like, eight dollars (not that money is any object to me, although cash flow has been a little tight lately, what with having to skip bail in LA and my relocation expenses).

Darlings, I want to write more, and I will soon. I have SO MUCH DIRT to deliver on the pathetic scum who call themselves the British porn industry. But time flies, and time is money, so I'll love you and leave you, and write again very soon.

Love and Kisses,

Fifi XXX