Grave news has reached Strictly Broadband about the dangers of masturbation. Thanks to a new self-help book in the US, ‘Find Out Why Masturbation Is Destroying Your Life And How To Stop It’, we’ve now realised the dangers to which we expose our viewers.

As the book says: “Life is very short, make the most of it, don’t waste your unique valuable time in masturbation. Learn how to make the most of your life by ending the habit of masturbation now!”

We believe this is the biggest public health scandal since smoking was promoted as healthy. For the past decade or two wanking has received increasingly good press as being good for physical and emotional health.

Now it seems all this was wrong. The learned writers of ‘Find Out Why Masturbation Is Destroying Your Life And How To Stop It’ tell us that masturbation, among other things:

• Destroys your health
• Weakens your ability to make money (since you spend most of your valuable time in watching pornographic content and then masturbating)
• Destroys your marriage or your relationship with your partner
• Prevents you from having better sex with your partner
• Creates a negative psychology after masturbation that affects your business life
• Prevents you from making your life's dream come true (since you spend most of your valuable time in watching pornographic content and then masturbating).

“I have been masturbating for many years now and I want to get rid of this habit. I tried many times to do it but always after a few days I come back to watch pornographic content on the Internet and in movies, resulting in masturbation. I have a sincere desire to stop it."

“I masturbate often watching pornographic sites on the net. I spend much valuable time which prevents me from doing other important activities.”

We admit some of the points did confuse us a bit though:

“I see successful people and want to become like them. I understand that I spend most of my time in masturbation and that they don't and I am willing to take the action to overcome this habit once for all.”

I don’t think I can agree with this one. I’m considered very successful in my work as a stripper, and I spend a large proportion of my time playing with myself. When I do this on-stage my tips seem to get bigger not smaller.

I want to watch pornographic content on the Internet all the time although I don't masturbate. I know inside myself that this habit is not a positive one because it is taking the time that I could use to do something more productive.

Watching porn online and not having a hand shandy? They’re obviously not watching very good stuff.

The e-book promises to tell us mysterious truths such as why people Barclays Bank, how it destroys health and can even cause death, how diet affects sexual thoughts, and provides “five easy and proven ways to control your Mind and Body in order to break the habit of masturbation once for all”. Public Warning: masturbation damages your health!

The apparent obsession with ‘making lots of money’ interests us. The e-book costs $47. As the sellers claim thousands have been sold, that’s a lot of money just for offering a download from a website. But I guess that just proves what riches you can achieve if you stop masturbating.

We at Strictly Broadband apologise for all the lives we must have ruined during the past year and a half since we launched our porn movie service. Please forgive us, we didn't know we were doing wrong. You can find the road to salvation here: www.taketheaction.com